So apparently, I’m a Moron!!!!!
Turns out this is a MALE Cat not a female cat. No wonder he hated being called by his female name. We had to change it. And he more or less responds to it now. Mother fucker is smarter than I thought.
He has learned to be less destructive. But he eats like Godzilla. Shits like him too. I swear I had no idea how such a small creature, can hold all that shit. And the smell is so bad I have to wear a mask to clean his litter box.
Which yay, he likes to play in his shit box!
So he’s already tried to destroy my mother’s porcelain doll. He climbs on my Buddha statue now. And he has learned that when he’s in trouble, to hide under the kitchen table. To avoid entering his pen. Or as my sister lovingly calls it, “Kitty Jail”.
This cat is huge. I am thinking of putting him on a diet. And telling them not to feed him so much. Pretty soon he’ll be bigger than the dog. Now instead of 5:30am, he’s waking me up at 6:30am.
I get up. Take him to the bathroom with me. He refuses to shit or piss unless he sees me taking the first piss of the day. As soon as he sees me, he gets into position and starts pissing too. Then makes sure to cover it up.
I have to avoid laughing at the sound of him going. It’s too early in the morning to wake people up with my laugh. But I have never seen a cat go to the bathroom with their fur dad or mom before. He really is an unusual and cute little guy. I guess he really thinks of me as a bigger cat.
Anyways, he starts to complain that I take too long to leave. Washing my hands is useless. And he lets me know it by meowing incessantly. He wants to eat goddamn it. Not wait for the big cat to wash his paws.
When have you heard of such foolishness?
Either my sister or my mother hears this and gets up to fix him his food now. Everyone in this house babies the hell out of him. My sister lets him get away with anything. So while they do that, I take my good boy out for his walk. While his annoying baby brother feeds on special kitten food.
He enjoys the morning breeze, while the Florida humidity kills me. I give offerings to some of my spirits. Only to turn around and watch my dog taking a piss at the same time. Forgive him good spirits. He knows not what he does.
No he didn’t piss at them. Thank the Gods this time he pissed in the opposite direction. I can still remember when he joined me on the crossroads for an offering to Hermes. And while I prayed,
“Oh powerful Hermes, Lord of the Roads, Guardian of Souls, I do hereby grant thee this offer-“
My supplications are interrupted when I start hearing the sound of water hitting pavement. And I see that my dog has chosen that time to unleash a torrent from hell upon the crossroads. And all while I implore Hermes to not fuck me up during Mercury Retrograde. He looks guilty as hell. And he knows he interrupted something.
But I can’t get mad at him. If ya gotta go ya gotta go right? If I’m in a church, and I need to shit, guess where I am headed towards. And I have done that before by the way. When I was a Christian that church had the best bathroom ever. I saw my fat ass on that porcelain throne and contemplated stealing toilet paper for my own bathroom.
And then didn’t do it because I knew I couldn’t hide that under my coat. Sorry Adonai. But in all fairness, my family donated a lot to that church. So it’s not stealing if we paid for the damn thing. But anywho, I had to grit my teeth.
I was frustrated as fuck cause he had gone before I took him here. And somehow after all that pissing and shitting he still had more piss left in him. Like fucking Niagara Falls. And I said,
“And please my lord forgive this familiar WHO CLEARLY DOES NOT RESPECT TRADITION!!!!!!“
My friends still have a laugh when I tell that story. And now, here I am on the couch. With my good boy on one side of me. And my newly acquired pain in the ass in his pen resting after shitting and eating. I don’t sleep in on weekends anymore.
And I wake up way too early in weeks days too. But still, my purring machine jumps up on my bed to boop my nose with his. And sleeps right next to me. Sometimes with my good boy on the other side of me. I have a long day of cleaning and cleansing my damn house.
By the end of today I am sure I will get a good night’s sleep. Only to be woken up before the ass crack of dawn tomorrow. Maybe I should start sleeping early now. By the way, last night before I went to bed, my sister goes up to my mother and says,
“Hey Mom, he just took a huge shit. Can you tell me if he needs to have his ass wiped?”
Christ, soon I’m going to see her spend money on cat diapers and talcum powder won’t I?
– M
Adventures of A Mage In Miami 